Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
