Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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