My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Randomize
