we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
