It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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