He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
