Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
