I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
