I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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