i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
