Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
