some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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