Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
