hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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