I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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