God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
