She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
