Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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