Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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