I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
