I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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