My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Couch. On fire.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
