we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Hippo gnu deer
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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