I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Found your dick twin last night
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
