yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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