went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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