A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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