Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
