Your mouth is God's brothel.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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