At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
