I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
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Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
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I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.