When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
