Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I currently don't understand fingers.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
