Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
