I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize