I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
