i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
