so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
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Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
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No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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