i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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