His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
