I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
