I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
