this beer tastes like vomit already
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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