I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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