I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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