He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
