update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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