Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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