apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
