You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
