i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
