The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I am available for nakedness
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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