so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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