On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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