Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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