i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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