Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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