ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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